Monster House
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room) G-man: Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. Well, since it’s still October, and Halloween is right around the corner, I’m reviewing my first Halloween movie! And what better movie to look at than Monster House? (The main theme starts as clips from the film begin to play) G-man (V.O): This is one of my favorite Halloween movies. The basic gist is that three teens discover a creepy old guy’s house is actually a monster. (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) Yeah, that’s the plot! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, I won’t keep you waiting any longer! This is Monster House! (Cut to the opening scene) G-man (V.O): We start off in a typical, unnamed town when we see some old guy named Nebbercracker steal a young girl’s tricycle. (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) What a dick. We then meet a teen named DJ whose parents are going to… Unnamed-Reason-As-To-Why-The-Parents-Aren’t-Around Land. Mother: Elizabeth will be here in a few hours. If anything happens, call the police and hide in your closet. Father: He knows that. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Quick question: What got him into spying on Nebbercracker in the first place? Did he just decide "Hey, I’m just gonna stalk my neighbor, what could go wrong?"? Seriously, does no one explain anything anymore? (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): We’re quickly introduced to DJ’s friend, Chowder. (Cut to the character Chowder from the self-named cartoon series) Wow, we’re stooping that low? (Cut back to the film) Chowder: Oh, speaking of which, have you decided? Skullzor or Crypt Keeper? (He snarls) DJ: Chowder…I don’t think I’m going trick-or-treating this year. Chowder: What? Come on, you’re gonna break a six-year streak. DJ: Yeah, six years of being jumped and egged. Maybe I’m getting too grown-up. (Chowder fake whimpers. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I’m pretty sure this character was included just for the purpose of having a punchable face. (Cut back to the film) Chowder: It’s time for an in-your-face disgrace! G-man (V.O): Uh… Okay? Is that the movie’s big quote or something? If so, it’s only said once! But who knows? Maybe these words have a huge impact? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Here, I’ll prove it. (He pulls out his phone and dials an anonymous number. Cut to Jack Douglass from Jacksfilms in front of a greenscreen) Jack: Yesterday, I asked you to- (He gets interrupted by his phone ringing. Confused, he picks it up) Hello? (The caller turns out to be the G-man. During their conversation, it cuts between them) G-man: Yo, Jack? Jack: Yeah? G-man: It’s time for an in-your-face disgrace! (He hangs up as I’m Awesome by Spose plays) Spose (V.O rapping): Motherfucker, I’m awesome! Jack: …Who was that? (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): The basketball lands in Nebbercracker’s yard, and whilst trying to get it from him, the old man apparently dies from a heart attack. And then the house’s furnace comes to life. Making the house come to life as well. How it does that, I honestly have no idea. We then meet DJ’s bitch of a babysitter, Elizabeth. DJ: Can I talk to you about something? Elizabeth: Oh, yeah, of course you can, cantaloupe. (Shouting) We are gonna have the bestest time. I’ve got tons of neat activities planned. DJ: They already left. Elizabeth (In normal tone): Oh, they did? They’re gone? DJ: Yes, and I need to talk to you. Elizabeth: So, the usual deal: Indoors by 9, in your room by 11, light’s out, your call. DJ: Elizabeth- Elizabeth: And… It’s Zee. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, "Zee", you’re evil! Audience (Comprised of the G-man and his family): How evil is she? G-man: Oh, I’ll tell you. (Cut to a slideshow of photoshopped pictures of what the G-man is describing) G-man (V.O): She’s eviller than the great white shark from Jaws who is a Trump supporter! (Next image) She’s eviller than Freddy Krueger if he were a Nazi who worked at the DMV! (Next image) She’s so evil, Vicky from the Fairly Odd Parents would say: (As Vicky) Wow, you’re an asshole! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (In normal tone): She’s eviller than, well, you get the point; she’s fucking evil! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): But you know what? Let’s actually give her a shot. DJ: I am practically a grownup. I don’t even need you here… Elizabeth. (Elizabeth walks over to a potted plant, picks it up, and drops it. Making it shatter, and making DJ gasp) Elizabeth: Gosh, DJ, why’d you break that? DJ: But I didn’t. Elizabeth: Yeah, let me ask you something. Who are they gonna believe? (She pushes DJ) Go to your room. DJ: Fine. (Cut to a photoshopped picture of Elizabeth in a stock photo of Hell) G-man (V.O): Hey, look! We found her destination! (Cut back to the film) We’re also introduced to Elizabeth’s boyfriend, Bones, who is equally an asshole as her. After he gets eaten by the house… (Cut back to the G-man mouthing the words "Thank you!" briefly, and then back to the film) We get our first look at the house as an actual monster. (The house jumpscares the audience. Cut back to the G-man screaming and falling out of his chair. After a while, he gets back up) G-man: I hate when that happens… (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): We then meet the last of our three main protagonists: Jenny. (Cut to a picture of Penny from the Big Bang Theory) No, Jenny! (Cut to a picture of Penny Gadget) With a J! (Cut to a picture of Abraham Lincoln) That’s the guy on the penny! (Cut back to the film) Whatever, she almost gets eaten by the house and joins up with the boys. Jenny (Upon spotting a green soda bottle full of urine): Um, is this pee? Because if it is, that’s really gross! Chowder (After gasping): DJ! You pee in bottles?! DJ: What’re you talking about? That one’s your pee! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Y’know, I was gonna make a joke being pissed off, but seeing as how that’s immature, I’m deciding against it. (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): After the house eats a stray dog… (Cut back to the G-man) There goes PETA’s approval… (Cut back to the film) They decide to get the police involved. Obviously, they don’t believe them. So, they go to their friend, Skull. Skull: In my travels to the video store and comic book conventions, I’ve seen many strange and wonderous things. I’ve heard tell of manmade structures becoming possessed by a human soul so that the spirit becomes merged with wood and brick, creating… A rare form of monster known as Domus mactabilis. (Cut back to the G-man on the phone) G-man: Hello, mental hospital? Yeah, I’ve got a crazy dude talking to some kids about a monstrous house. (Silence) Sure, I’ll hold. (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Anyway, Skull tells them that in order to kill the Monster House, they need to destroy the heart. Where’s the heart, you ask? DJ: Ever since Nebbercracker died, there’s been smoke coming out of that chimney. G-man (V.O): So, the plan is to actually go inside the house and put out the fire in the furnace. And then we get this: DJ: Questions? Chowder: Yes, um, are you nuts?! I don’t wanna steal drugs from my father, I don’t wanna go inside a monster, and I don’t wanna die! Jenny: I say it’s worth a shot. Chowder: Yes, I agree, let’s do it. (An explosion is heard before we cut back to the G-man) G-man: Mother of all Motherfuckers! That joke was so funny, it overheated the Laugh-O-Meter! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): The cops from before arrest them before they can put their plan into action, but then they get eaten. And before the kids can have a chance to escape, they get eaten as well. Thankfully, they all jump out of the cop car before it’s digested. They find photos of Nebbercracker’s wife, some explosives, proof that the old guy was spying on him, and that he was part of a demolition squad. (The text "Plot Point Alert" pops up as a siren is heard. Cut back to the G-man groaning and pulling out his Lego gun. After firing upwards twice, he sets it back down) G-man: There! It’s gone, okay? We’re not using that stupid joke again! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): Chowder shoots some bullshit on the ceiling, and then the house awakens. (A spurt of water comes out of a hole in the floor and out the door) Did the house just hock a loogie? Chowder: What? I thought if I shot the heart, that- Jenny: That’s not the heart. Chowder: Then what is it? Jenny: Well, if those (The hole in the floor) are the teeth, and that’s (A long, red carpet) the tongue, then that (The object Chowder shot) must be the uvula. Chowder: Oh. So it’s a girl house. (The Seinfeld theme is heard as we fade to black, and then cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): The kids find the remains of Nebbercracker’s wife in the floor, and though the magic of bullshit, we’re back outside where, plot twist, Nebbercracker is still alive! And then, bigger plot twist, the house is possessed by the spirit of his dead wife. (A record scratch is heard before we cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, let me explain: Nebbercracker met his wife at a freak show, took her in, and while they were building the house, some kids accidentally pushed her in while a cement was being poured in, and now her spirit haunts the house. Thus, making Nebbercracker hate children because of it. (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) Did you catch all that? No? Too bad! Moving on! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): And then comes my favorite part of the movie where the house literally starts moving using dead trees as arms. Chowder uses a conveniently-placed excavator to try and destroy it, and while chasing, the house falls apart. Chowder: Hey- Hey guys. Look who just won. It’s me! The screwup! (Cut to a clip from Blackadder) Hugh Laurie: Hurrah! (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): But the house comes back to life with a terrifying new form. (Cut back to Blackadder) Hugh: Hurroo… (Cut back to the film) Chowder: You can’t do that. That’s not fair! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Said every little kid in Minecraft Hunger Games. (Cut back to the film) G-man (V.O): DJ throws some dynamite into the chimney, and then the house blows the fuck up in a huge explosion. Seriously, was the house made of nitroglycerin? And then we see the kids and a reformed Nebbercracker giving away the toys the old man stole. Little girl: What happened to Nebbercracker’s house? DJ: It turned into a monster, so I blew it up. G-man (V.O as the girl): Well, since my character is stereotypically gullible, I guess I’ll take this as true. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (In normal voice): Well, that was Monster House! As I said before, this was my favorite Halloween movie. Sure, it makes no sense in some places, but I thought the humor was pretty good! And thus, I leave you with this question: Where the fuck is Nebbercracker gonna live now? Well, I am the- (He is then interrupted by his phone ringing) Seriously? (He picks it up) Hello? (The caller turns out to be Jack. During their conversation, it cuts between them) Jack: There you are! What the heck was that whole "In-your-face disgrace" thing?! G-man: Oh, Jack! Sorry, I was reviewing Monster House! Jack: Listen, I know you were in the moment, but I was in the middle of a YIAY episode. And now- G-man: Let me guess: You want to review something with me? Jack: How did you-? G-man: Happens to me a lot. So, what’re we looking at next time? (Cut to the theme song for…) Joshua Dela Cruz (Singing): It’s Blue’s Clues and You! (Cut back to the G-man squealing in excitement before fainting, and then to Jack looking confused) Jack: Hello? G-man? (He sighs and hangs up) I’ll be right there. Category:Episode